I am sure every migraineur can relate to this, there is always that one family member who thinks they know what causes your migraines better than you do. They are also so sure that they can cure them better too. No matter how often you tell them that you are doing what your doctor says, they know better.
This is a frustrating experience for anyone, but especially for people with chronic migraines, because we have more opportunities for meddlesome family members to give unneeded and unwanted advice.
"Just lower the stress in your life" Stress is hard to lower when the migraines cut into your work, and make you worry about how to pay bills.
"Just eat healthy foods, then you won't get migraines" A migraine diet is a very expensive and particular diet to be on. According to some sources, you need to be on a total elimination diet for over a year before you will show any improvement. For some people that is just not feasible.
"Work through it, then it'll get better" Powering through the pain is what we do anyways, and it makes the migraine worse, not better.
"You really need to do something about those headaches" To this comment I am speechless. I go to my specialist, I take my medicine, I avoid my triggers. What more would you have me do?
"Take a pill" We take pills, we take them all the time. Sometimes the pills take a while to kick in, and even worse, our bodies become so accustomed to the medication we take, that it stops working completely.
"Drink more water" Personally, I feel as if I have a water bottle attached to my hand, I drink so much water. If I drink any more, I'll burst.
"Have you tracked your food and temperature? Do you track what you smell?" This one streams me up. Who wants to walk around all day with a notebook and a timer so they can track "what they smell". I've tracked my diet, it doesn't really work when you have multiple triggers. As for the temperature tracking, I haven't got the faintest idea how that is supposed to help.
"Have you tried this, it helped my friend" That is the battle cry of most people suffering from chronic pain. We have tried almost everything to "fix" us. In fact, we most likely heard about it before you did.
"Get out side, get some fresh air" Sorry, but when a migraine hits I want dark, not sunny. I can't even stand gloomy most days.
"Have you prayed about it?" Countless times. My family has prayed for me daily too. It hasn't worked yet, and personally I would prefer if God's attention was on bigger things. Stopping wars, feeding the hungry. Fix the world first, then you can get around to my comparatively small problem.
Most of these quotes come from an article titled "18 Things not to say to a person with a migraine" on migraine.com
Knowing what you want to say to meddling family members isn't the same as actually saying it to them. Usually it is easier just to nod your head (as best you can) and say things like, "hmm, that's interesting", or "I'll try that." No matter how much we suffer, we are not allowed to tell them what we really think, because we are family. Under that same "They're family" umbrella, family members need to understand, that their advice really isn't helpful. Telling us how to manage our chronic pain just stresses us out. We have so much advice coming at us from doctors, friends, strangers, and other migraineurs, that we are trying to keep straight, that we just can't take anymore. We will explode, and we don't want to explode on our family. So please, give us some time to straighten this migraine thing out with our doctors help. However well intentioned your advice is, it isn't actually very helpful.
"Don't tell me that you understand.
Don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed.
That I am chosen for this task,
Apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me.
Don't stand in pious judgement
Of the bonds I must untie
Don't tell me how to suffer,
And don't tell me not to cry.
My life is filled with selfishness right now,
My pain is all I see.
But I need you, and I need your love,
Unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say to me, 'I care' "
- Joanetta Hendel
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